Here are some funny stories, some uniquely South African. What ever happened to Van Der Merve? Is he still around?  Some Australian.

Queensland etiquette - I DIDN"T WRITE THIS! (just in case there are some trigger-happy banana benders lurking in Perth).

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her  to bring back beer too.

Only in Australia - I'm not sure where these stats came from....

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and..... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an  ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and  lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION....

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Brief van die veldskool om sy moeder gerus te stel

Liewe Ma,

Meneer Viljoen het gesê ons moet vir ons ouers 'n brief skryf net ingeval julle die vloede op die TV gesien en oor ons begin worrie het. Net een van ons tente en twee slaapsakke het weg gespoel. Gelukkig het nie een van ons verdrink nie want ons was almal bo in die berge om na Gert te soek toe die rivier af gekom het.

O ja, bel asb. vir Gert se ma en sê dat hy OK is. Hy kan nie so lekker skryf met die gips om sy arm nie. Ek het nogal in een van daai 4x4 jeeps van die nood dienste gery en dit baie gelaaik. Ons sou nooit vir Gert in die donker gekry het as dit nie vir die baie weerlig om ons was nie.
Mnr. Viljoen was baie kwaad vir Gert omdat hy alleen in die berge gaan stap het sonder om vir iemand te sê. Gert sê hy het hom vertel, maar dit was tydens die brand, so hy het hom seker nie gehoor nie. Het ma geweet as mens petrol oor 'n vuur gooi dan ontplof die hele petrolkan sommer. Die nat hout het nog steeds nie gebrand nie maar een van ons tente en van ons klere het wel. Gysie lyk nogals snaaks met al sy hare wat af gebrand het.
Ons sal seker teen Saterdag by die huis wees as Mnr. Viljoen net sy kombi kan reg kry. Dit is nie sy skuld dat die ding nou 'n wrak is nie. Die  brieke het nog soort van gewerk toe ons by sy huis weg is. Hy sê met 'n kombi wat so oud is moet mens te wagte wees dat iets een of ander tyd sal breek. Dis seker hoekom hy nie versekering kan kry nie. Ons dink weer dis 'n cool kombi. Hy het resies taaiers op. Ma weet mos daai soort wat nie groewe op die loopvlak het nie.

Mnr. Viljoen gee ook nie om as ons vuil word nie en partykeer as dit warm is dan laat hy ons op die kombi se dak ry. Dit raak nogals vrek warm met 28 ouens in die kombi. Ons maak beurte om bo te ry maar toe het 'n spietkop ons gestop en met Mnr. Viljoen daaroor gepraat. Hy het baie gesukkel om gestop te kry met die brieke wat nie so lekker is nie.

Ma moenie worrie nie, Mnr. Viljoen kan baie goed bestuur. In teen deel, hy leer nou vir Dries om te bestuur maar hy laat hom net op die berg paaie ry waar daar nie verkeer is nie. Al wat ons ooit daar kry is daai groot trokke van die bosbou departement.

Vanoggend het al die ouens van die krans af gespring en in die rivier geswem. Mnr. Viljoen wou my nie toelaat nie omdat ek nie kan swem nie en Gert was bang hy sink met die swaar gips om sy arm. Gysie is gelukkig. Mnr. Viljoen weet nie dat hy nie kan swem nie. Ek en Gert kon darm met die roeiboot oor die rivier roei. Dit was baie lekker en mens kan nog steeds bome onder die water sien na die vloed.

Mnr. Viljoen is darm nie so vol nonsens soos ander onnies nie. Hy gee nie eers om as ons nie die life jackets dra nie. Hy is ook baie besig om aan die kombi te werk, so ons wil hom nie eintlik pla nie.

Raai wat? Ons het almal ons noodhulp eksamen geslaag. Ons het ook almal gesien hoe 'n druk verband werk nadat Hendrik in die rivier geduik en sy arm oop gesny het. Ek en Harry het opgegooi. Mnr. Viljoen sê dis seker maar net voedsel vergiftiging van die vis wat in die son gelê het voor ons dit geëet het. Hy sê hulle het net so siek geword van die kos wat hulle in die tronk geëet het. Ek is so bly hy het 'n onnie geword nadat hy uit gekom het. Hy sê toe hy in die tronk was het hy geleer om dinge ordentlik en foutloos te doen.

Ek moet nou weer gaan. Ons moet nog dorp toe ry om die briewe te pos en haelgeweer patrone te koop. Ma moenie bekommerd wees nie, ons is nog OK.

Liefde
Boet.

N.S. Wat is die simptome van malaria?

A paddling story, you need to be from South Africa to fully understand what this guy is saying. The Fish River canoe race is one of the biggest in South Africa.

Visit to Cradock

So there we were, me and my partner, cruising down the Bloem highway listening to OFM. that is die Vrystaatse radiostasie, ek se', "my hart klop chokalates as jy naby is, baby choookalates", the new no 1 hit sung by Gert from Naboomspruit, he is going to team up with Vernon Koekemoer to sing at the next opening of the SA parlament, they invited Barack Obama, they don't have anything like this in America, ek se'.

So we agreed we would not drink before we got to Steynsberg, the last time when the laaitjies were with us, team Hansa, they were stukkend just after Bloem. When we got to Gatiep Dam (used to be Verwoerd) we got out to check the scenery, the water was beautiful, it was hot,
the cold Castles called us. Mooi man, we were on the road, the long hot dry road, and we arrived in Steynsberg where you have Uncle Jerry's Bottle Store. Here you can replenish your reserves for the rest of the drive to Cradock.

So ja, we went to Cradock for the party, like the students from Rhodes, in their overalls with painted slogans, the Saturday night party, the SAB gigrig, the beer tent the music, the jawl, the chicks were friendly, even the local mommies joined in, this is the social event of the year for the Eastern Cape . But hey boet, on the East Rand where I come from we have only got Presleys in Boksburg, there you must check that the chick you pick up really is a chick.

We also went to Cradock to paddle the Fish River Marathon - hey this race nails me every year, one forgets what the river can do to you. Me and my partner, we are bullet proof, but when we got on this river, we realized that we had left our bullet proof jackets at home. The top section of the river where you paddle through the willow trees, even down to Soutpans, the Boom Oom got us. We didn't fall out in a rapid, but paddling through those green willow tree fronds we came into contact with a willow tree branch. It klapped me in the face, then my partner, heard him say fokkit, then a lank swim. Maar so gaan dit.

ERK camped at Marlow school on the grass under the trees, we used their facilities, the hot water didn't run out, true ek se'. Some of the okes had their missuses with them. They stayed in the boarding school hostel. Scott had this to say: "those beds, I have seen a straighter bannana, you crawl up in your sleeping bag to fit in, you need a snorkel to breathe from the gas in the sleeping bag, later on it blows up up like a zeppelin, then you float on top of the bed".

After the race, before the rugby Curry cup Lions/Sharks, 1/2m school hosepipe, top 2l coke bottle, duct tape, we got a down/down funnel, fines party. Gavin top paddler, Scott farting in the dorm, Barno first Fish, Dion drinking 2 bottles of brandy, Adrian not paddling, Kevin H going to bed too early, Jock coming back just in time for day 2 start, Stefan wearing orange crocs, Mike peeing on the neighbours tent, Kevin A watching the blonde in the tent get undressed, there are a couple of others that I can't mention here.

But ja boet, Fish is a moerse race, it grows on you, you want to come back. One thing is for sure, they have the best party of any canoeing event in this country.

A little misunderstanding between HIM and HER

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.  We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in  the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!  So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.  But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

The Bokke lost.
I got a 'pomp' though.

Shark attack at Fish Hoek - The humorous and dry description of the guys involved in a serious incident

Five paddlers were bunched together about 30m from the catwalk near Sunny Cove when a Great White shark attacked the ski closest to shore.
Bruce Neil was paddling on Lyle Maasdorp's left when he saw the shark hit Lyle's ski.  "The back of the ski was lifted right out of the water as the shark breached," Bruce said.
Lyle's first impression was that someone was playing a trick on him.  But, glancing over his right shoulder, he "saw something in the water" and knew that all was not well.  Then he felt the back of the ski being forced under water by the weight of the shark.  Lyle tried to stay on the ski, "I knew there would be serious admin if I fell off!" But as the ski tilted up, he slid off into the water right next to shark
"The water looked like a Jacuzzi," said Bruce, "the shark's tail was thrashing, Lyle was thrashing..."
Lyle had landed with his left arm draped over the shark.  "The shark's tail was curved around him," said Bruce, "he was surrounded by shark". The shark was still biting the ski and Lyle, having lost his paddle, thrust himself back on the ski and tried to paddle into shore, surfboard style.  At this point the shark disappeared.

Grappie wat Lucy van Fremantle ingestuur het

Flippie skryf:

“Ek het uiteindelik vanoggend tyd kon afknyp vir n bietjie swartbaars hengel en het  afgesit dam toe. Na 'n rukkie was my  wurms op en terwyl ek rondkyk vir nog aas, merk ek 'n pofadder in die lang gras langs die dam met 'n padda in sy bek. Ek besef dadelik hy  kan my  mos nie pik met die padda in sy bek nie en 'n padda is bleddie goeie swartbaarsaas.

"Ek gryp die adder-kerel toe agter die kop en haal die padda versigtig  uit en gooi hom in my aasemmer. Wat nou gemaak met die pofadder?  

"Skielik onthou ek die bottel Klipdrif in my piekniekmandjie. Met die  een hand haal ek hom uit en trek die prop met my tande uit. (Dis was  'n bottel 10 jaar Klippies met 'n
kurkprop.)

"Versigtig gooi ek 'n bietjie in sy keel af. Sommer dadelik word adder  se kind slap in my hande terwyl sy oe omrol. Ek los hom toe weer in die lang gras en gaan aan met
my visvangery.

"So 'n rukkie later voel ek iets stamp stamp so aan my voet. Sal dit  nie wragtig dieselfde pofadder wees nie! Die keer met twee paddas in sy bek…”